Out of Sorts

I just feel that way today.  I feel exhaustion in a way I don’t think I’ve ever quite felt.  It is so hard to tease apart what it is exactly or if it is a combination of everything.  And, in the end does it really matter because the end result is that I am exhausted and I can’t seem to get out from under it.  Tomorrow is the last day of school so what parent in Portland isn’t exhausted?!  I continue to work – saw 6 clients today.  And I am sleeping ok until that crack of dawn wake-up call when it is time to start thinking, and thinking, and thinking some more.  But today I wondered if this exhaustion is not a side effect of my medication – Tamoxifen.  I know this is a potential side effect and some women really struggle with this medication.  I just feel so darn spacey.  And I am a lot of things, but I am not spacey.  I’m just not tracking very well and I feel just out if it.

I make attempts to ground in – left my office today and sat in the park quietly.  Did my HeadSpace yesterday.  I’m really not committing to plans which (again) for me is highly unusual (but helping)!  But there is this overwhelming feeling of just not feeling like myself.  I feel distracted and cloudy.  I am eating really well and taking supplements and vitamins and exercising and doing all the right things….so alas, I suppose it is what it is.  And I guess I will just have to ride this one out and will cross my fingers and envision that I will not have to continue the Tamoxifen post surgery but we shall see.

Maybe I have subconscious anxiety about the last day of school because while it always historically signals to me and the family “summer!!!”, right now it signals “surgery almost here ahhhhhhh”.  Shit’s getting real!  I am so looking forward to a much needed massage tomorrow so that will be a treat!  I am soooooooooo looking forward to it.

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