7 am and I awoke at 6…not bad. But man is this waiting strange. Once again, it reminds me of pre-birth time (especially with Zander) as I was 10 days overdue and was just waiting and waiting. I remember taking endless walks, writing in my journal, getting my favorite coffee drink at Coffee People (because I figured he was already over-formed)! 🙂
It’s almost a spiritual place – this waiting, this anticipation. It is like everything slows ways down and time stretches out for miles in front of you. I feel a draw inward. I felt this often on the cruise (which was not always easy with my family of 12 and a cruise ship of 3000)! But also, the distraction and being together was so very needed too. There is this Yin or inward energy that surfaces and anyone who knows me knows that I am quite Yang! So, this space is different for me. Of course the distractions help – like going to Costco yesterday (not a very Yin activity). Ha! Just stocking my house for my family though somehow made me feel more prepared.
Sitting on my porch in the quiet early morning and feeling the sun shift and change and the heat return, listening to the variety of chirps, and watching the bikers go by…while my family continues to sleep…this is peaceful. Shortly, I will have my morning smoothie, and then receive an acupuncture treatment. I will take a final solo trail run up at Forest Park and undoubtedly, this day will move slowly but soon enough it will be surgery time.
So now I wait. At least with this I know that tomorrow at 9:30 am I check in at the hospital and the surgery will begin at 1:30. With my births of course, it was truly a mystery as to when and how it would all go down. One great feeling I have at the moment is conviction. I had several conversations with my family on the cruise about other treatment options people might choose, etc. and it brought up for me the fact that I feel so certain and confident with my choice and treatment team.
For me, having this surgery feels like I will really be able to put this behind me instead of constantly monitoring, wondering, checking…and living in fear and uncertainty. I know that is all somewhat an illusion anyway but it feels like in terms of focus, I will get to bring my attention back to my family, my work, and the things I love.
Well, first things first, a good cup of coffee instead of that brown water they served on the cruise! 🙂 Sending so much love to all – I feel so incredibly loved. AJ will be updating this blog during and post surgery. But you never know I may still post again today seeing that it will be along one! 🙂